


Am I The Nerf Herder?

by okaypianist



Series: Inspired by Twitter Prompts [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: "That's not how the HoloNet works!", AmITheAsshole but make it Star Wars, C3PO ships it, Canon Universe, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Datapads, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, F/M, HoloNet, The Force Ships It, The HoloNet as Reddit, reddit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-02 01:52:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19189504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/okaypianist/pseuds/okaypianist
Summary: We got in some danger, blah blah blah, and when we were safe again, I promised to lay whole worlds at her feet.She stole a priceless family heirloom and left me for dead.People of the HoloNet, what is wrong with her?





	1. AITNH for asking a woman to rule the galaxy with me?

**AITNH for asking a woman to rule the galaxy with me?**

_u/SoloMoreLikeYOLO_

HoloNet, Am I The Nerf Herder?

I am a 29-year-old, Force-sensitive human male. No, you've never seen my face on the Net before. Yes, I'm sure.

I met a Force-sensitive human female who turned out not to be very feelings-sensitive. Here are the events of the last three days as I understand them:

I saw her in a forest.

I swept her off her feet with my charms.

She said she wasn't looking for anything serious ("I'm not giving you anything,") but she has quite a serious look on her face most of the time.

We danced in the snow. Her eyes were mesmerizing.

We connected. We talked. We promised each other over a glittering fire that we wouldn't be alone.

We got in some danger, blah blah blah, and when we were safe again, I promised to lay whole worlds at her feet. (Note: I wanted her to rule *with* me. I wasn't being impulsive or reckless at all.)

She stole a priceless family heirloom and left me for dead.

The last time I saw her, she closed a door in my face.

People of the HoloNet, what is wrong with her?


	2. From starships to ... relationships?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I left my dustball planet for the first time ever this year to help out a new friend, and I met a man on my travels who intrigued me. Well, not met, he sort of kidnapped me. And not intrigued, he infuriated me. It's whatever.

**From starships to ... relationships?19ishF/29M**

_u/SunSandAndStaff_

Help me, HoloNet. You're my only hope.

I have been an independent woman my entire life, mostly by necessity. I know I am strong and capable, but I've also always wanted a place to feel like I belonged.

I left my dustball planet for the first time ever this year to help out a new friend, and I met a man on my travels who intrigued me. Well, not met, he sort of kidnapped me. And not intrigued, he infuriated me. It's whatever.

I gave him a few chances and he proved he was smart, curious, and a good listener, but I wasn't certain until he saved my life from his asshole boss. The way he looked at me across that room we'd set on fire... *shivers*

Okay. So here's my problem. He kind of... implied... that he didn't care if all my friends died right away as long as we could be together. Which is, like, sorta romantic, I think? But also kinda messed up too? Maybe I'm reading it wrong? Maybe he doesn't even like me? He did call me nothing, sort of, but he didn't look like he meant it.

HoloNet, how do you help redeem a man if he's not sure he's ready to redeem himself? I've been just letting him sit and pout for awhile, but I'm afraid he will make more impulsive decisions without me. I want him to improve for himself. I don't want him to do it FOR me, but I also can't be with him if he's a bantha's ass to everyone but me, right?

I mean, with his help, I realized that I definitely don't have parents anymore... so I'm staying independent and busy with work for now... but I'm a little lonely.


	3. So how do I unscrew the happabore?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You told me I will never be worthy of such a woman, or any woman, and... come on. Preaching to the Church of the Force choirboy here. Nobody hates me like I hate me. So... how do I put this bacta back in the tube?

**AITNH? Probably? So how do I unscrew the happabore?**

_u/SoloMoreLikeYOLO_

HoloNet, you really knocked me on my (admittedly sculpted) ass last week. You told me I was the Biggest Nerf Herder to Ever Herd a Nerf. You called me Nerftacular, Nerfanatical, Nerfabulous, and a lot of anatomically impossible things to boot.

You told me I will never be worthy of such a woman, or any woman, and... come on. Preaching to the Church of the Force choirboy here. Nobody hates me like I hate me. So... how do I put this bacta back in the tube?

I know some human females like flowers, but she's undereducated so she might eat them. I'd braid her hair if I were convinced she ever washed it... or if she weren't a galaxy away. I do have elegant penmanship. Is a letter enough? How about a dirty holovid? She loves my pale, sweaty chest... but that doesn't seem romantic enough. I'd cook for her, but again... galaxy and a war between us...

AITNH, please stop roasting me harder than Stormtrooper Caf and just... help me, please.


	4. You HoloNet posters just want to watch the galaxy burn.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I burned him plenty - once with a laser sword! - but he's soft on the inside, I promise. He's not as bad as I made him seem. Well, in some ways, he's worse than that. But. That's not my point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (If you're not a Reddit user, I hope this characterization makes sense!  
> I don't think Ben is THIS dumb.  
> I don't think Rey is THIS naive.
> 
> I just see a lot of men on r/AITA who don't own their mistakes, and a lot of women on r/relationships who try too hard to put up with bad men.)

**He isn't THAT bad, you guys. (Probably19F/29andFineM)**

_u/SunSandAndStaff_

I posted to HoloNet relationships on Benduday, and by the next Zhellday, my inbox was full of threats to... my intended? My future boyfriend? My bondmate? Whoever.

I have burned him plenty - once with a laser sword! It was so cool! - but he's soft on the inside, I promise. He's not as bad as I made him seem. Well, in some ways, he's worse than that. But. That's not my point.

I can be a strong warrior and find room for forgiveness. I didn't "lose my lady balls" over "a pair of pretty eyes." I think a good heart can hide under 13 layers of black clothing, and I'm gonna give him a chance. He'll change. I can sense it. I saw his future.

You HoloNet posters just want to watch the galaxy burn. 

You like making people break up.  
So... I'll wait.  
I'm good at waiting.  
And fixing broken things.


	5. AITNH for writing my beloved a Life Day poem?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, good denizens of the HoloNet. Your advice was at times tougher than undercooked tauntaun meat, but chew upon it I did.

**AITNH for writing my beloved a Life Day poem?**

_u/SoloMoreLikeYOLO_

Hello again, good denizens of the HoloNet. Your advice was at times tougher than undercooked tauntaun meat, but chew upon it I did. As I digested your digital morsels, they congealed into some actionable items:

I stopped insulting her, aloud or textually or in my head. I'm going from warrior to woobie over here. Surprisingly, she likes receiving flowery poetry full of compliments? Even without any offers to rule a single thing? Who would have guessed?

I wrote her, as you can tell from the previous paragraph. It took four letters before she wrote me back, but now we are keeping a up a lovely correspondence and her handwriting is really improving after I gave her my favorite pen.

Thirdly, and possibly most importantly, I'm taking steps to exit my hellish political post. It will require a lot of brains and a bit of patience and probably just one murder?   
But she's worth it.  
(I didn't need AITNH to know that, but, er, thanks all the same.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... he might be learning something?!?


	6. [update!] My baby's got that freshly-redeemed glow...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's up, HoloNet? This update was requested by a few of you in private comms, so here you go:

**My baby's got that freshly-redeemed glow... (20F &29M) **

_u/SunSandAndStaff_

What's up, HoloNet? This update was requested by a few of you in private comms, so here you go:

I posted twice here about a star-crossed enemies-to-allies-to-??? mindfuck of a situation. Little did I know, my dark prince was also asking for advice on a different HoloNet channel!

We both learned a lot about ourselves and each other from your advice. And my friends' advice. And a ton of his mother's advice, too. He's being quite patient with her, but frankly, she deserves it.

We just celebrated my birthday (or what I've chosen to be my birthday)! He gave me wonderful presents (we can also thank the HoloNet for the gift-giving suggestions he got!!!), and then we finally got to try out the advice *I* had gotten from the AskWomen HoloNet... I'm not saying much, but it was steamier than a Dark Side cave all up in here for awhile. The man liked all my tricks, and knew a few of his own, is all I'll say. Don't look for us on GoneWildCouples... or if you do, and you recognize us, please don't tell anyone... ;)

Anyway, thanks to all of you, especially _u/YouProbablyDontRecognizeMeBecauseOfTheRedArm_ (and I always DO recognize you because of that longass username), for pestering me so much for this update!! Switch off, eh?! But also thanks.


	7. Recent Comments for Account: u/YouProbablyDontRecognizeMeBecauseOfTheRedArm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know six million forms of communication, and yet I have never before spoken with a bucketbrain like yourself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you don't speak HoloNet, YTNH is You're The Nerf Herder and NTNH is Not The Nerf Herder!

User history > Recent Comments for Account: u/YouProbablyDontRecognizeMeBecauseOfTheRedArm, most recent first.

 

GoneWildCouples: video-Two Senators, One Sex Swing

Oh. Oh my. This certainly fried MY circuits. Next time, try softer lighting- the red bulbs overhead are a little much. Tag yourself: I'm the stuffed vulptex in the background watching silently.

 

Relationships: [update] My baby's got that freshly-redeemed glow... (20F&29M)

Squeeee! Uwu! Thank you for the update, princess... er, Madam Senator. I am most impressed by your progress.

 

AITNH: AITNH for writing my beloved a Life Day poem?

NTNH. You are not the nerf herder for writing poetry, and you well know it. You ARE a nerf herder for coming in here fishing for compliments! Go put down your datapad and give that girl a good smooch. (Oh, and what did you think of my birthday gift ideas???)

 

Relationships: He isn't THAT bad, you guys. (Probably19F/29andFineM)

You seem very sweet but a little naive. I hope that works out for you, dear. If not, I know rather a lot of human males who might be compatible.

 

AITNH: AITNH? Probably? So how do I unscrew the happabore?

YTNH. This is marginally less laserbrained than your last missive. You still have an incredibly long way to go. I will private message you some human male etiquette information. You may not in fact be as hopeless as some of my old friends after all. The odds are not in your favor, though. Chin up.

 

Relationships: From starships to ... relationships? 19ishF/29M

Welcome to our HoloNet channel, young miss. May I inquire why you are uncertain as to the anniversary of your birth? This young man sounds almost as appalling as some men I knew once. You're much too hard on yourself. Have you tried [click to expand...]

 

AITNH: AITNH for asking a woman to rule the galaxy with me?

YTNH. Dearie me, I've got a bad feeling about this. There is so much you don't understand about the human condition. I know six million forms of communication, and yet I have never before spoken with a bucketbrain like yourself. In this essay I will- [click to expand...]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for taking a quick journey to crackfic town with me, pals! I hope I made you smile!


End file.
